The Apprentice is such a strange show. I’ve been looking forward to it for ages, got quite overexcited when I read it was coming back, but then, as broadcast approached, I started dreading it. Because I know that the contestants are going to be HORRIBLE and I’m going to LOATHE them. For three months! Why do I put myself through it?!
There’s very little point recapping it so early in the season. Last night’s opener was pretty much exactly the same as every other series opener. The contestants are introduced:
“I’m an all-round gifted individual.”
“I’m an absolutely fantastic salesman – everything I touch turns to sold.”
“My first word wasn’t ‘mummy’, it was ‘money’.”
The Scottish comedy show Chewing the Fat used to have a sketch in which someone would appraise a group of people and, by looks alone, designate them: “Wank, wank, wank, wank, good guy, wank, wank.” At this point in The Apprentice, you can’t yet spot the good guys. It’s all wank.
(One of them describes himself as ‘Unemployed Head of Communications’. That just makes you unemployed, doesn’t it? Or can I call myself ‘Unemployed Hollywood Actress’?)
The project managers and team names were chosen. Sir Alan Lord Sugar mentioned that he was brought up on a council estate (but he doesn’t like to talk about it) and then it was time for the task.
They had to make and sell sausages. If you’ve seen the show before, you know exactly how it went. There were issues with costing and buying and then they went to Portobello Road market and The City and Dan, the boys’ team PM, went door-to-door, two of the girls’ team had a row, there was some really feeble negotiating with a restaurant and then they were done.
“I don’t think I can take thirteen weeks of this,” said my husband. As he does every time.
The task ended. They went to the boardroom. The boys lost. They slagged each other off. Dan chose the two most annoying members of his team to take back in, but he was the one who was sacked. On You’re Fired over on BBC2 immediately after, they showed a clip of him saying, “My number one rule in business is JFDI – Just Fucking Do It.”
I’m dreading next week’s episode. I can hardly wait.